The #LOVE Blog: Chapter One

Death by Chocolate? Or Ice Cream?

Thea clung to the plastic bags in her cold palms. Bags that held an undisclosed amount of sugary goods. Foods to be consumed to cure – or halter – the heartache that was locked in her chest. Rain poured, soaking her underdressed body. Weather in Melbourne was unpredictable and at times unreliable. A feeling Thea most recently knew all too well. That particular day it was despicably cold, but the thought of the weather and appropriate clothing never crossed her mind. There were other things – more important things – at the forefront. Things she didn’t want to face, but her mind wouldn’t let her forget. Everything she did to alter her train of thought, brought her back to one notion – her reality of being alone. The amount of clothing she wore didn’t matter. She already felt naked.

Exposed. Thea deducted layering in clothing wouldn’t change the fact that her relationship status had recently changed to ‘Single’.

Car horns and the humming of trams filled the fresh air. Thea dragged her feet over the wet street to her apartment. She sniffled with every stomp up the stairs. Her sniffles could have been from the pinching cold or because of the tears. Her fingers were tangled with her keys, bags and extra long scarf as she unlocked her door. She chucked her bags on the kitchen counter. A weight lifted from her body. She exhaled, and for a brief moment she felt relief. Hope. That sprinkle of optimism was overshadowed by the harsh sting of heartbreak. She crawled back into her shell.

After a quick change of outfit she made her way to the kitchen rubbing her arms on her woollen jumper. The heating in her apartment hugged her body. She dug through her bags to retrieve a can of chocolate frosting. She stared at it as if it was going to speak to her or offer guidance – even though the last two cans hadn’t.

Her apartment sang with silence. The sound of nothingness stung her ears. She scanned the space that was once home to happiness. Optimism. Love. It remained filled with her familiar furniture, artwork, books, and photographs, but the life that lived in it had vanished. Abandoned her. It felt empty. She felt empty. Thea stood in the quiet. A mirror reflection of how much her life had changed just by the absence of one person.

The phone rang. The unexpected tone shook her from her overloading thoughts. She already knew it was her best friend, Kelly. The one person who had been calling her every day for the past week and a half, making sure she was still alive. Thea composed herself. Sucked back her tears. Readying herself to act as a sociable being. She cleared her throat.

“Hey Kel…”

“How’s my little trooper?” Kelly said.

“Day ten of heartache camp and still no improvements. But alive none the less.”

“That’s good to hear cadet… Do you want me to come over?”

“Oh, no-no. That’s fine. I don’t want you walking all that way in this weather.

That won’t be good for the baby,”

“Too late. Open up.”

“What?”

“I’m standing outside your door you idiot. Let me in, pretty please. I really need to pee.”

Thea’s heart dropped. She stepped to her door and peeped through the looking glass. Her best friend swayed in the hall.

“Let me in Tee. I know you’re on the other side of that door. I can hear you thinking. Plus, I don’t care how messy your apartment is. We used to live together once upon a time.”

Thea felt ambushed. She wasn’t ready for this impromptu social gathering.

“Come on princess hut-to, hut-to.”

Thea stared at the ceiling shaking her head. She cracked opened the door. Kelly stood in the hallway wrapped in her winter wardrobe. She began to remove her layers as she made her way into the apartment. “And what do you mean ‘walk all that way’ it’s three blocks! The same walk we’ve both done a million times…” Her words lost sound and impact as she made her way down the hall.

Thea waited until Kelly closed the bathroom door before she let her panic flourish. She scanned her apartment and realised the true mess it bore. She didn’t care about it before. She didn’t need to. But the instant presence of a real someone – another human being – in her home, made her feel embarrassed that she had ever let it get to that state. Thea hurriedly removed the clothes that were tossed over the sofa. Used tissues scattered over the floor. Mugs, bowls and spoons set on the coffee table. She scrambled around hoping to remove as much mess as she could before Kelly came back.

Thea heard the toilet flush.

“Ready or not I’m coming out!”

Thea’s muscles loosened. She sighed realising Kelly had waited in the bathroom letting her clean up. Letting her preserve some of her dignity.

“Ah, that feels better. Let me tell you something Tee, having a little someone sit on your bladder and act as if it was some play toy grows old pretty quickly.”

“I bet… Um do you want a cup of tea? Coffee? Money for a taxi ride home?”

“Ouch. Trying to get rid of me when I just got here?”

“No, I’m–”

“You’re hurting. I know. But maybe you would feel a little better by now if you had just let me come to see you before we got to… this. Because Tee, hun, you need to talk about it. Pushing everyone out and shutting down isn’t going to help… Come, sit with me. Tell Mama all about it.”

“I’m fine. Honestly I’m–” Thea stopped her words. She attempted to suck the cry back into her body. She didn’t want to weep again. She softly shook her head. Tried to silently convince herself to hold back her overloading emotions. But her eyes welled up with thick tears. She cracked. She crumpled into Kelly’s waiting embrace. She sobbed on her best friends shoulder, letting out her anger and frustration about her recent breakup. Sorting through the hurt of the end, the past and future moments she’s missing. The happy memories she can’t let go of.

Thea and Kelly shared the can of frosting. “You know, I really do enjoy eating chocolate frosting mixed with Thea tears. It’s really a scrumptious combination.”

“Sorry…” Thea snuffled.

“Don’t be sorry love. You’ve got to let it out… So tell me, what are your plans whilst you’re off?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Unless you include moping around. Which I know you don’t. Seriously Kel, this is the worst time of my life. I have to take annual leave because of my accumulated hours and he had to go and break up with me. He had to pick right now to do so. What I want, what I need is something to stick my teeth into. And that thing would’ve been work. I could’ve mustered all my energy and worked like a bull on steroids. But I can’t. I even called work to see if there was anything I could do.”

“You did not…”

“I did, but they told me to enjoy my holiday. How am I supposed to do that, when I’m like…this?”

“You know what you need?” Kelly said as she licked her spoon clean. “You need to find something to distract yourself. You know, take your brain off all of it. And I have just the thing… And no arguing with me on this one… You need to write again.”

“What–”

“No arguing. Hear me out. When was the last time you wrote something? Seriously.”

Thea shook her head.

“I remember in high school and uni you would always write these short stories and help with the school newspaper. I loved reading your little articles. But I’ve read nothing in what feels like centuries… Get back in there… or out there… Write your heart away. Find yourself again Thea Johnson. Take back control. That man doesn’t define who you are or what you can be. You define who you are. Who cares if it changes every month, every year? Show that dickhead what he’s missing.”

“I don’t know Kel. What would I even write about?”

“That my love, is entirely up to you. I will read it no matter what it is. A lovesick short story dedicated to you-know-who or scattered paragraphs of your rollercoaster ride of emotions. Just write.”

“I’ll think about.”

“Don’t think it. Do it. Now, let’s draw you a spectacular bath and get you in the mood…”

“I thought I was supposed to be writing, not sexercising.”

“Whatever you need to do Tee to get you out of this funk. I’m you’re cheerleader whoop-whoop! But please let me leave before you… you know. I’ve walked in on that too many times.”

“Give over! That was years ago! And don’t act like I never caught you in the act of self indulging or otherwise.”

“Ok… Let’s change our state of mind. Concentrate on what was spoken earlier. I’ll help you draw a bath so you can get rid of this breakup stench and then I’ll leave you in peace… To write.”

* * *

Thea made her way to the lounge after her much needed bubble bath, to find that her kitchen and lounge had been cleaned. Dishes, mugs and cutlery had been washed, dried and put in their rightful place. Magazines and books had been sorted and placed on the shelf under the coffee table. Cushions rearranged. Floor swept. The rubbish had been taken out and the sweet smell of violet air freshener sprinkled over the room. Thea smiled. She was so thankful to have someone like Kelly in her life. She honestly didn’t know what she would do without her.

The breakup was tough. Thea was taking it hard. Kelly was a constant presence throughout it all. Since their teenage years they’d always been there for one another no matter what. Thea knew Kelly was the only one brave enough to speak the harsh truths and force her to confront her issues. And that’s what she needed. She needed a push – or a swift shove – to get her out of her depressive state.

Thea made her way over to the small dining table. A laptop, writing pad and a pen were stationed there. She plonked herself on the chair. Her eyes found a handwritten note.

‘Use your words Tee. Take all this cooped up energy and write again! Write from your heart, your mind, your soul. Be honest. Be true. Be brave. Be fearless. Be you. Love X: Kelly’

Thea re-read Kelly’s motivational words. Her friends’ spirit and positivity evoked her to do something with her unwanted free time. She twirled the pen in the hand and sat in silence. Her writing muscles were rusty. It had been so long that she couldn’t remember where to start. Or how to start. Thea grappled her thoughts. She swallowed the lump in her throat and put pen to paper.

Several pieces of scrunched up paper scattered across the wooden floor. Thea was in a faceoff with the blank Word Document. Her laptop dominated the battle. Winning the war. She felt defeated. Deflated.

The serenity and eased thoughts as a result of her bubble bath had vanished. Her inner peace had completely disappeared. She slammed her laptop shut and ran to the sofa, flopping on the spongy comfort tightly hugging a cushion. She cloaked herself in a blanket and cried until she fell asleep.